Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control

Labreador

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.

If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.

Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?

Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.

Me: …

Employee: …

Me: Or you’ll what?

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

🐶😂