Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.

Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.

Worm: What is it?

Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me

People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body

People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.

Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation

Maybe next year… ☔️

#GreatBritishSummer #Rain

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet

Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)