Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.

They also CAN sing✌️

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.

There’s no “u” in narcissist

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

*lays down on the battlefield*

You all go on without me. I’m tired.

God: you can go on land and water.

Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?

God: that’s where you live.

Turtle: oh my gosh.

God: what?

Turtle: I have a house boat!

When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*