me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
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boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
anyone else like Italian cereal
Yep.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.