@sammyrhodes

1. Ask for something. 2. Throw it down. 3. Repeat steps 1 & 2. – Toddler To Do List

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@Chhapiness

Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?

@Adam14

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

@Cpin42

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

@Fred_Delicious

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

@iwearaonesie

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

@sbellelauren

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

@buhsbaby_baby

Remember how they drove in 90’s TV sitcoms…the horribly fake steering wheel turning – left right left right? That’s how I actually drive.

@mrjohndarby

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

@R0ckG0d88

A gag order but for people that go “ahhhh” after every sip of coffee.