1. Ask for something. 2. Throw it down. 3. Repeat steps 1 & 2. – Toddler To Do List

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Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?


My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with


Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee


[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]


me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
me: “Gap”


whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person


Remember how they drove in 90’s TV sitcoms…the horribly fake steering wheel turning – left right left right? That’s how I actually drive.


[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home


A gag order but for people that go “ahhhh” after every sip of coffee.