1. Ask for something. 2. Throw it down. 3. Repeat steps 1 & 2. – Toddler To Do List

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Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence


alien: take us to your leader
me: hold on I’ll go get him
[a few minutes later]
alien: you gotta be kidding me
me: *wearing a mustache* hello


No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you


When someone says “Happy New Years” I wonder, how many years are they talking about?


“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.


“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”


GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?


I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.


[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]


skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd