1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
You Might Also Like
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
This is enough internet for the day.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I didn’t know they can drive…
We know he can swim but…
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Morning my dudes.
