1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
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SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
channeling her this year
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
The news in a nutshell.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.