@JasonBerlin

1. Bang knee on table – curse life.
2. Check credit card balance.
3. Think back to sweet moment when you banged knee on table.

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@DBMaxP

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

@ibid78

Sex is a lot like chess. It takes practice to be good. You have to adapt quickly to your partner’s moves. You’re gonna sacrifice some horses

@CamusOverEasy

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

@PatsATweetin

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

@not_delicate

** Changes Facebook relationship status to “it’s complicated.”

My husband:

@3sunzzz

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

@better_off_dad

Me: Bless me Father for I have sinned.

Priest: How long since your last confession, my son?

Me: About 45 minutes.

@McGrumpenstein

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

@aveuaskew

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

@jakob_huber

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.