1. Bang knee on table – curse life.
2. Check credit card balance.
3. Think back to sweet moment when you banged knee on table.

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Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?


“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.


I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…


BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.


*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough


husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes


Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee


Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that


They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops


My mother should be forced to pay for my therapy and my grandma should be forced to pay for my laser hair removal.