1. Bang knee on table – curse life.
2. Check credit card balance.
3. Think back to sweet moment when you banged knee on table.

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When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question


Sex is a lot like chess. It takes practice to be good. You have to adapt quickly to your partner’s moves. You’re gonna sacrifice some horses


If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.


[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.


** Changes Facebook relationship status to “it’s complicated.”

My husband:


If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.


Me: Bless me Father for I have sinned.

Priest: How long since your last confession, my son?

Me: About 45 minutes.


Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.


Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.


Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.