@JasonBerlin

1. Bang knee on table – curse life.
2. Check credit card balance.
3. Think back to sweet moment when you banged knee on table.

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@ClichedOut

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

@Birdhumms

“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.

@writerPT

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

@jwoodham

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

@junejuly12

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

@LizerReal

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

@Shade510

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

@fro_vo

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

@C00LpenNAME

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

@infinitesimull

My mother should be forced to pay for my therapy and my grandma should be forced to pay for my laser hair removal.