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box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa