1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
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THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Others: I run so I can eat pizza
Me: I just…eat pizza
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.