1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
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8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Perfect.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Dammit Chief not again
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.