You take the oxy out of oxymoron
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craving $300 all of a sudden
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Very good! 👍😂
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)