@TheRobCee

#1 complaint of armored car drivers? People they talk to along the way ending the conversation with “…and you can take THAT to the bank!”

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@Sickayduh

A sitar solo so complex and mind melting that the one guy who knows what a sitar is claps

@katya_411

uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is

@robdelaney

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

@The_Albinoshrek

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

@capnwatsisname

If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”

@ShortSleeveSuit

Bank robber: I got the money! Let’s get outta here!

Me [waiting outside on our getaway unicycle]: *rings bike bell*

@KyleMcDowell86

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

@aspiringtoucan

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

@trevso_electric

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

@mrjohndarby

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can