#1 complaint of armored car drivers? People they talk to along the way ending the conversation with “…and you can take THAT to the bank!”

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SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.


i called my parents to check in with how they were doing. they were arguing because my dad put together a little decorative display of wooden elephants, and my mom apparently ruined it by adding a vase.


If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.


I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.


ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that


Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.


My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.


All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own


“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish