@TheRobCee

#1 complaint of armored car drivers? People they talk to along the way ending the conversation with “…and you can take THAT to the bank!”

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@truegritrumble

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.

@bananafitz

i called my parents to check in with how they were doing. they were arguing because my dad put together a little decorative display of wooden elephants, and my mom apparently ruined it by adding a vase.

@nerdreign

If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.

@WorstCassie

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

@chuuew

ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that

@Carbosly

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

@jus4golf

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

@dimplesticks

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

@Book_Krazy

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish