We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
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Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors