@rolldiggity

1. Cover elevator floor with glue.
2. Put ring on floor.
3. Wait for someone to kneel and get stuck.
4. “Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!”

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@crylenol

*Cop Dog radios in*
We’ve got an armed robbery in progress
“What’s that boy?”
An armed robbery on 5th
“Timmy’s stuck in a well??”

@paulablu22

If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.

@iheartgunts

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

@sixfootcandy

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

@geowizzacist

I just stabbed a pin in my arm.

Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’

@tangledteatime

An eight year old offered to sell me drugs. Isn’t that disgusting? Why would I pay when I can just beat him up and take them? He’s EIGHT.

@CaniacMONK

My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.

@PoodleSnarf

I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails

@CorkyKneivel

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.