Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
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Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Netflix and you sit over there.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.