Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english

here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”

…i mean VERY BAD TRIP

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

[date]

HER: I absolutely love Star Wars

ME: Oh me too

HER: What’s your favorite part?

ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

The future is now.

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*