Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking news:

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!

Me: What do you mean by pretending?

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

Natural selection at its finest

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

So true for me

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

Him at 1am: Wanna come over?

Me: Sure thing, sexy

-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring