Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.

Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.

Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…

My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.

me trying to get a bartender’s attention

BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away