1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
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“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”
You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope