Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”

9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.

“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*