Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fight

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.

Me: The house is clean!

Kid: Hold my juice box!

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

A dad and his duck

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.