Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

Me driving through Toronto

Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.

Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

[Interrogation]

Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

socratic questions

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

New Tinder profile.

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.

File under excellent bookstore names.

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too

50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”