Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*

My foot: I’LL GET IT

My brain: NO YOU IDIOT

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

3-year-old: Let’s play zombies

Me: OK

3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby

She tricked me into playing house

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?

Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

Domino’s: FREE PIZZA

Me: sweet finally

Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????

Me: uh what happened to free?

Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE

Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?

Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…

This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]