1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
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I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Fight
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.