Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.

me: which suit should I wear

her: I like both

[later]

her: how did the interview go

me: he asked why I wear two suits

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

S/o to @funTweeters .

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.