Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{First Day at FedEx}

me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away

manager: wow you’re a natural

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”

That’s not in the rules!

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

LOL!

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

Yet the one time I did, I got banned

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

*carves turkey

*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside

Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward