“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
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*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.