“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
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Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger