@shkeeber

1. Find homeless man.

2. Bathe him.

3. Wash & patch up his clothes.

4. Give him a record player.

5. Congratulations, you own a hipster.

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@dumbbeezie

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

@internetluke

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

@pplwtching

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

@RodLacroix

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

@DrakeGatsby

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

@billingsley313

My pregnant wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked “Does it make my butt look big?” I texted back “Noo!” My phone autocorrect my response to “Moo!”

Please send help!

@iwearaonesie

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

@slimthicccins

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

@JJRossReaders

My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”

She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”

I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”

She hates me now

@rmfnord

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.