I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
1. Find homeless man.
2. Bathe him.
3. Wash & patch up his clothes.
4. Give him a record player.
5. Congratulations, you own a hipster.
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*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
Not too much haha you?
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
My pregnant wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked “Does it make my butt look big?” I texted back “Noo!” My phone autocorrect my response to “Moo!”
Please send help!
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.