Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
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Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
They did not think through this water fountain
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman