Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
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Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.