Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”

My mom was right. My face did stay this way.

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest

My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

u guys got any snacks onboard here

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.