Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

🥲

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.

It be like that sometimes 😆

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.