Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

[to serial killer]

WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!

*killing intensifies*

Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???

Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.

ME: *Donates my body to science*

SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.

Stop making fast and furious movies.

Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.

I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

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