Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oddly specific

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao

As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”

ME: So you’re into religion. Really??

DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.

ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

me irl

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.