Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

Selfie

🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”