1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
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I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
mechanics be like
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,