Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.

Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

God: *closes a door*

Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”