Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.

There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.

It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

Auditioning for a commercial:

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.

Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science

Have a lovely day 😊

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

me: want to go to the ice rink?

friend: i can’t stand ice skating

me: you’ll be able to with practice

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

Meat Cute