1. Go to party
2. Eat all cheese at party
3. Leave party
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Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Same post same
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Jesus Christ lmao
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim