1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
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[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong