1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
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Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience