Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?

GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*

The CDC should absolutely have a prison

You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.

If looks could kill

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1650137086832279556/pu/vid/406x720/pYSDlzkusQ_mBrMy.mp4?tag=12

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.