Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

Hunter Biden implies the existence of Gatherer Biden

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

Me when I’m ovulating

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?

Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.

Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.

Me: *death glare*

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

Her: So, what is your major?

Him: I study forensics.

Her: Dude, that’s just 10!

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

date: i’m very level-headed

me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up

me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ

The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it