Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat

wife: “man, we’re broke.”

me: “that’s all about to change!”

wife: “how?”

me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

Verizon: your online bill is ready

Me: ok. for what

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.