1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
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I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total