1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
You Might Also Like
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.