Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?

I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.

If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.

The more you know

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

These aren’t even hard anymore.

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm