1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face![]()
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”![]()
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
this is me
![]()
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?