1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
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I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
British people be like “it’s chewsday innit “
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes