1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
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To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Oceanography is all about current events
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.