1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
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7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
ah yes….my favourite videogame
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
Anarchy
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine