Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

[forest precinct]

DETECTIVE OWL: HOO

BEAR: I dont know

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: I DONT KNOW

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?

Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.

Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat