1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
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This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
so weird how every mom was born today
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.