1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
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I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
This meeting could have been a cake
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Life cycle of cat
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter