Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

Well, this certainly took a turn

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

me: woah real life russian dolls

midwife: get out

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.

oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it