Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.

But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?

she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]

Google assistant rules

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.

Me: I did.

Wife: That’s mauve.

I hate it when she makes up words.

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

boss: we have to let you go

me: why

boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing

me: em…

boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good

me: see!

boss: ok you can stay

me: *under my breath* a

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries