Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

💀

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]

why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

🤣😂🤣😂

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.