Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM

Put my back out twerking in the library again

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.