1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
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I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.