1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
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the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.