1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
You Might Also Like
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Cake!!
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.