1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
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My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Love is in the air fryer.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
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I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
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Nothing.
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How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
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me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
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Prince
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Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
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Lorde
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Lady Gaga
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Sir Mix-a-Lot