Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”

No. No you do not.

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash

date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*

BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

Me: Cute baby, when was she born?

New mother: Yesterday.

Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

[excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”

I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total