1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
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Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Adopting a new raccoon family from the local dump is far more rewarding than buying from one of those upscale designer raccoon boutiques.
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?