1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
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Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Does it…does it take 3 days
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.