1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
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There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever