Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

This made me chuckle cuz mood

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.

Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

oh u like history? name everything that happened

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.