It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
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All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
nobody has better posture than a 5’8 guy dating a 5’8 girl
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
*turns to camera*
*cop starts breakdancing*
Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out..
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
LUCY: Dad, how did I get my name?
ME (signing contract in blood): Ok but can we at least shorten it?
LUCIFER: That’s fine