1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
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someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.