@Lhlodder

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

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@weinerdog4life

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

@thedad

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

@ReneeColvert

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

@LameAsChris

nobody has better posture than a 5’8 guy dating a 5’8 girl

@Fred_Delicious

“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*

@LetGoBeFreeDoU

Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out..

You’re Welcome..

@AnOrangeSNES

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

@SamTR7

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

@InternetHippo

LUCY: Dad, how did I get my name?
[flashback]
ME (signing contract in blood): Ok but can we at least shorten it?
LUCIFER: That’s fine