1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
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Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!