Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week

My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”