Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.