Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

Green is just blue that someone peed in

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.